Hello Readers,
I do not even
know of you are still subscribed. I have been on an extra-long sabbatical for
over three years.
In February of
2016, my live-in caregiver chose to leave and I realized how much of my life I
had lost control of.
I had to relearn a lot: banking, financial management,
self reliance and management, fending for myself and just basic living…tasks that I had delegated and forgotten...tasks that were daunting, scary and
intimidating...tasks that caused me unnecessary stress and tasks that I was told I no longer needed to perform.
2016 was a difficult year for me and almost at the end of the year, on the 30th of November, the 27th anniversary of my arriving in Canada, I was in a serious car accident...an encounter with a yellow brick wall in an underground parking lot, which caused 13 fractures and rendered me bed-bound for over seven months.
2016 was a difficult year for me and almost at the end of the year, on the 30th of November, the 27th anniversary of my arriving in Canada, I was in a serious car accident...an encounter with a yellow brick wall in an underground parking lot, which caused 13 fractures and rendered me bed-bound for over seven months.
I was to attend a
Symposium on Accessibility in Halifax. I had chosen to go there the night before.
Early, the next morning, I drove to the symposium.
Early, the next morning, I drove to the symposium.
On arriving at
the underground parking of the Delta Marriott in Halifax, I realized I couldn’t
reach the button to get a ticket. Those dispensers are definitely not designed for people with disabilities!
I stretched, got
a ticket, the barrier went up and my right foot slammed on the accelerator.
Impatient city drivers behind me, the accumulated stress of that year, my
ailing body and the combination of all of the above, led to my being unable to
lift my foot off the accelerator.
The car, now speeding,
reached 70-75 km an hour in the crowded and congested underground parking and I
felt like a crash test dummy, knowing full well how that was going to end.
I knew I was putting lives and property at risk and in the corner of my eye, on my right, I saw a yellow brick wall.
I swerved towards it and hit the wall causing 13 fractures from my left ankle, left heel, some ribs, left collar bone, right femur, right arm, some more ribs and both knees.
I knew I was putting lives and property at risk and in the corner of my eye, on my right, I saw a yellow brick wall.
I swerved towards it and hit the wall causing 13 fractures from my left ankle, left heel, some ribs, left collar bone, right femur, right arm, some more ribs and both knees.
Miraculously, no
head, spinal or back injury. And, I was alive and conscious.
Everything after that seems like a blur, and almost four years later, which now seems like a blink of an eye, the Universe has led me back to writing my blogs.
While I lay waiting for my bones to mend, the physical symptoms of my MS got worse and I lost muscle mass, increasing the atrophy and muscle spasms.
It was not an easy close to 2016, but I sure was glad it was over and was confident that 2017 would offer new possibilities.
I spent Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day and my birthday in hospital, undoubtedly at first, feeling sorry for myself, of living in fear of what else will go wrong, pondering what life had thrown at me and how I was going to approach my life with even bigger challenges.
The term ‘surrender’ came to mind.
It was like the Universe was telling me what to do. I was tired of fighting with circumstances, tired of not being sure of what other catastrophe to expect, and simply tired of living in fear.
It was like the Universe was telling me what to do. I was tired of fighting with circumstances, tired of not being sure of what other catastrophe to expect, and simply tired of living in fear.
On New Year’s Eve, I decided to watch ‘Mrs. Brown’s Boys’ on Netflix because I wanted to set the stage for the New Year... to start it with laughter and humour.
I also wrote for the first time since my accident.
SURRENDER
As I
surrender myself
to the Universe
I
continue to do
my
very best
at everything
Except
now,
I no longer protest,
I accept
I do
not question,
I respond
I do
not deny,
I succumb
I do not contest,
I surrender
And
through it all,
I continue to strive
for excellence
with no concern
for
what the next moment, next hour,
next day, next week,
or the next
year
may bring
As I
meander
through
life’s curves,
I
choose to be
extraordinarily adventurous
in my
resignation
I ponder
not on the
why and how
but instead, focus
on the here and now
In the
middle of the night
when I review my day
to let things flow
in whatever way
they may,
my newfound acquiescence
makes the shadows
of
uncertainty
seem much less dark
Those shadows
used to have
a much greater shape and
certainty
With
this newly acquired character
of complete surrender,
they now
simply disappear
into the ether
Surrendering is not
Surrendering is not
giving
up,
It is letting go
And once
I do that,
it’s
like nothing else exists
Everything
I’ve ever struggled with…
… the
emptiness, the fears, the confusion...
...everything that
does not serve me,
vanishes
I no
longer fear,
grieve, lament or suffer
life’s dark crevices
and for the first time in a long time,
I know
for certain
that I’m going to be ok…
...That
I can on take on anything
...That no person or no circumstance
can
ever break me
For, I
Am
I AM
AND ALWAYS
WILL BE
I AM NEVER LOST
I AM WHERE I AM
BECAUSE
THAT IS WHERE
I AM SUPPOSED TO BE
It was like a light bulb went on in my
mind. I heaved a huge sigh of relief and felt like a gigantic burden had lifted. It
wasn’t my life that needed changing. It was how I reacted and responded that
needed to change.
All I had to do was surrender to the Universe
and say, “Bring it on!”
With just that one thought, I was ready to
face the rest of my life.
I am ready…………..Bring it on!
...I did.
